


Outrageous

by KnightsofEclipse



Category: NCIS
Genre: F/M, Fake Marriage, Lots of references to Kate, Oneshot, Teasing the hell out of a sunken ship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-30 21:13:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12661536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KnightsofEclipse/pseuds/KnightsofEclipse
Summary: Ziva goes undercover as Tony's wife for...reasons not explained. Tony makes her live up to the impossibly high standards of the *real* Mrs. DiNozzo.





	Outrageous

Ziva David set her duffle bag down in the cramped entry away as Anthony DiNozzo continued through the apartment with her suitcase and laptop bag. Ziva reached back and pulled at the elastic that had long ago snapped but still held her thick black hair up high on her head. She gazed around the small living quarters and gave a sigh. 

“Why are we staying here? My place is-“ she stopped short when Tony looked back and raised an eyebrow at her. “Sorry, _was_ bigger,” she corrected.

“Bigger’s only better in bed, Ziva,” Tony said with a crude laugh. “Besides,” his voice grew muffled as he disappeared into the bedroom, “who needs personal space?” He laughed at his joke to which Ziva followed him silently to the bedroom.

The sight of the bedroom made Ziva take a step back and grip the doorframe. “You cannot expect me to sleep here,” she stated in all seriousness. 

Tony set Ziva’s bags down on the bed and sighed. “Fine, what do you suggest then?”

\--+--

Almost an hour later, the two NCIS agents were re-entering their headquarters. Looks of disdain and a fight were clear on their faces. 

“What’s going on here?” Gibbs shouted as he raced down the steps to examine his agents before they could sit at their desks. 

“She hit me, boss,” Tony stated flatly, not caring to elaborate. “She tried to kick me out of my own bed and then she hit me.”

Gibbs raised his eyebrow at Ziva who remained silent and met his gaze defiantly. “I need both sides of the story to come to a decision.” Gibbs tried to sound gentle.

Ziva threw a smirk at him. “A decision won’t be necessary. I refuse to go undercover as his wife.” She crossed her arms over her chest and huffed. “I will not stay in that pig sty.”

Gibbs laughed the laugh of an old man just getting the joke. “Is that all?” Both his agents gave him a blank look, shocked that he took it so lightly. “Why didn’t you just start with that? Go stay at Ziva’s place.” He cupped his hand on Tony’s shoulder. “Geez, DiNozzo, when are you gonna learn?”

\--+--

Another 20 minutes later and Ziva and Tony were unloading his things from the car and bringing them into Ziva’s far more spacious apartment. Tony set his suitcase on the couch and turned to face his “wife”. “It looks exactly the same.”

Ziva gave a snarky smile before walking right up to Tony. “Maybe to you.” She patted his cheek in a condescending fashion before walking over to open the curtains. “But to me, it is home. Now,” she turned back and sat herself on the windowsill, “tell me; what would the _real_ Mrs. DiNozzo do?”

\--+--

The doorbell rang, causing Tony to jump up and run to the door. “Chinese is here!” he called as he closed the door on the delivery boy. He returned to the couch with the take out boxes and sat them down on the coffee table next to Ziva’s computer. 

Ziva looked up from what she had been reading and took one of the white boxes. She then pulled a pair of chopsticks from their sheath and started eating. She felt eyes on her and glanced over to see Tony looking at her expectantly. “What?” she hissed with her mouth full.

Tony stifled a laugh. “Well, two things now.” He waited, causing Ziva to raise her eyebrow at him. “First, the _real_ Mrs. DiNozzo would have given me a fork. She always has some on her, just in case. And second, she would never talk with her mouth full.”

Ziva looked at him incredulously. “You talk with your mouth full all the time.” She got up to go fetch a fork from the kitchen, purposefully stomping her feet.

“Yeah,” Tony called. “But the _real_ Mrs. DiNozzo never would.”

\--+--

Ziva rolled over in her king sized bed expecting to find her other pillow waiting, nice and cool, for her cheek to press against. Her eyes shot open when she bumped noses with another human being. In the three seconds it took for her eyes to adjust she instinctively reached under her pillow for her gun. Seeing clearly who it was, she relaxed when instead of her gun she found an arm. “Tony,” she grumbled, pulling his arm out from under the pillow. 

The man shifted slightly, as if getting comfortable in a dream. His fingers clenched, and he rolled completely to his side, his other arm swinging over to land firmly on Ziva’s chest. Her scream jolted him awake. “Wha-what’s going on?” He was upright in the bed, hands still in the last place they had been. He exhaled with relief when he saw the pissed off expression on his “wife’s” face. Ziva rose her free hand in a threatening gesture. “Wa-wait!” Both Tony’s hands came up in a defensive position. “Before you Gibbs-slap me, you should know that the _real_ Mrs. DiNozzo would not do that.”

Ziva let her hand fall back to the bed before slowly slinking into a sitting position. “Then what would the _real_ Mrs. DiNozzo do?” She blew a strand of hair from her face, making sure the tip brushed over Tony’s nose.

Tony gave a breathy laugh, looked up, and looked around the room, before finally lacing his fingers with Ziva’s and staring down at their hands. “She’d elbow me in the gut,” he said guiltily. 

Twenty minutes later, when he could breathe again, he admitted to himself that he should have held his tongue that time.

\--+--

“I’m going for a run.” Ziva entered from the bedroom, stretching her arm over her head, pulling at her elbow with the other hand until she heard a little popping sound before switching to do the other side.

Tony looked her over from the couch; sports bra, tight little shorts that no self-respecting woman would ever want to leave the house in, head band. Her feet were bare but she held a pair of socks in her hand. He got up and took hold of both of her arms, bringing them down to her side. “The _real_ Mrs. DiNozzo wouldn’t wear that.” He then released one arm and dragged Ziva by the other back into the bedroom. 

Ziva sat herself on the bed as Tony began carefully picking through her draws. He pulled out a tank top, a pair of long yoga pants, and rescued her baseball cap from the chair by the window. “How do you know what kind of clothes I have?”

Tony deposited the clothes in Ziva’s lap and smiled, wagging his finger as if scolding her. “Now, the _real_ Mrs. DiNozzo wouldn’t have to ask that because she would already know that I’m nosy and like to snoop through her stuff when she’s in the shower.” As an afterthought, he added, “Oh, and the _real_ Mrs. DiNozzo sings in the shower.”

\--+--

“This is ridiculous!” Ziva threw her hands in the air out of frustration as she and Tony exited the elevator at NCIS HQ. She stormed passed her desk and slammed her palm down on Gibbs’. “Tell him he’s being unreasonable!”

“About what?” Gibbs asked, as if trying to play innocent to the lover’s quarrel. He made the gesture of a child telling their parent’s they didn’t know where their vegetables went.

“Ziva’s trying to blow her cove,.” Tony said, a little more calmly. He came around behind Ziva and pulled her ipod from her hand. “Take a look at this.” He tossed it down to Gibbs before Ziva could intercept. 

Gibbs thumbed through the music on the device, at first confused by the touch screen, then handed it back to Ziva. “He’s right.” Tony smiled like a dork and turned to McGee for a high five which he did not receive. Gibbs rose from his desk and began walking up to where the director was waiting for him. “Hey, Tony!” he called back down. “Did you also tell Ziva that the _real_ Mrs. DiNozzo has a tattoo on her butt?”

Gibbs disappeared, laughing. Tony turned back, the face of a man about to meet his end, to see the look of pure, unadulterated, hatred on Ziva’s face. She raised her hand, as if to slap Tony into next year but caught herself and instead calmly walked over to her desk. 

“Tony,” she said, sounding way too calm as she sat in her chair. The cringing man turned to look at Ziva. “What would the _real_ Mrs. DiNozzo do right now?”

Tony straightened up, thinking that maybe he was off the hook. “Well,” he said with some confidence. “The, um, _real_ Mrs. DiNozzo would, uh, well, she would, um…” He trailed off, unable to admit to what was supposed to happen.

McGee stood up and walked over to stand between Ziva and Tony’s desks. “I believe what Tony is failing to say is that the real Mrs. DiNozzo would have Abby do a flawless photoshop job so she had an embarrassing picture of Tony to blackmail him with.” McGee fished into his pocket and produced a flash drive. “Oh look, I have one right here. I was going to use it if Tony ever turned against me,” he shrugged before putting the flash drive in Ziva’s hand, “but it might save you some time now.”

Ziva flashed a smile at McGee before turning her attention full to Tony. “I can’t wait to look at this,” she said with every word striking more terror into Tony. “Now, let me guess. The real Mrs. DiNozzo would make sure that Gibbs got a copy of this. She would also make sure it did not get deleted before it could be used, hm?” 

“Yeah,” Tony said, feeling angry and scared at the same time, making the awkward face he did when these conflicting emotions arose. “Now you’re thinking too much like her.”

Ziva laughed, clearly meaning to be condescending. “Oh, do not worry, Tony. I have no intention of getting a tattoo on my butt.” She thought for a moment. “And how do you know I do not already have one?”

Tony’s interest peaked just as a hand came down across the back of his head. “Head out of the gutter, DiNozzo,” Gibbs barked before sending a glare at Ziva. “And don’t tempt him. He’ll just be disappointed when there’s nothing there.” Gibbs headed for the elevator, leaving everyone’s mouths hanging open.

Ziva made a few gestures between where Gibbs had been and where he was disappearing into the elevator, unable to form words until the doors had shut behind him. “Should I be worried about sexual harassment from him?”

McGee opened his mouth then closed it again. He opened it once more before raising his finger and ducking his head as he returned to his desk. Tony laughed, now comfortably reclined in his chair. 

“And just what is so funny?” Ziva asked, looking down on Tony in a way that scared him into sitting up straight. She raised her eyebrow, as if saying she was waiting.

“N-nothing.” Tony responded quickly. “Wh-where were we, again?” He stood up, making sure his back was to Ziva so she couldn’t attack his gut or nether region. 

Ziva sighed and walked around to cut Tony off. “My taste in music not being on par with the _real_ Mrs. DiNozzo.” Her eyebrows rose when she said real.

Tony laughed, smiling nervously. “Right.” He laughed again, trying not to give away how scared he was of her. Ziva made a get on with it face. Tony sighed, composing his face. He looked right into Ziva’s eyes. “Outrageous.”

**Author's Note:**

> In case you didn't put it together; the real Mrs. DiNozzo is Kate


End file.
